Pass Me The Salt

17 Jan

Beautiful young woman with red lips and long black hair  halayalex 36906977

~Interviewing for the role of Lily in Pass Me The Diet Coke~

“Ooh, what a nice painting. It just needs a little something….. Ah, there. That’s better. Hey, you look like a bookworm. Were you waiting to conduct an interview?”
“Yes, I am. Are you Lily?”
“Yeah, I finally made it. I know I’m late, but I got a little sidetracked.”
“Lily. Do you have a last name?”
“Nope, it’s just Lily.”
“Alright. I don’t know if you realize it, Lily, but that painting you just tried to fix, it’s….well….it’s hanging lopsided on the wall. Were you trying to straighten it?”
“Of course I was. I noticed that there was something not quite right with it, but I think it’s better now. What is that a painting of, do you know?”
“It’s a replica of Rafael’s ‘Disputation on the Blessed Sacrament’.”
“Oh. Huh. Maybe _that_ was the problem.”
“Anyway, before we get started, would you like to order a drink?”
“Sure! I’ll have a Blue Devil if they have it.”
“What’s a Blue Devil? I’ve never heard of it.”
“It’s a drink that contains Vodka and Blue Curacao or Schnapps. It’s really good, if I do say so myself. You ought to try it. I guarantee you won’t regret it.”
“Well, I’m sorry to say that they won’t have that drink nor any other alcoholic drink here for that matter. This is a cafe. They have different kinds of coffee from which to choose. Might I suggest a cup of regular?”
“Sure, I’ll take plain black. Anyhow, as I was saying, I’m a little late due to some unforeseen circumstances. To begin with, I didn’t have exact change for the bus fare. Now, how was I supposed to know we needed exact change? I don’t normally travel like this. But it all turned out okay. I convinced the bus driver to accept thirty cents less because that’s all I had on me. Even so, it took me a while to count out the pennies from the UNICEF contribution can I swiped from the liquor store. Then I figured, since he was looking bored, depressed or I-don’t-know-what-it-was, that I’d sit behind him and talk to him along the way. It seems that he’s been disenchanted with his job lately. He wants to be a rock star, you see, but he tends to believe that it’s too difficult to break into the business. So, I encouraged him to become a drug dealer first. That way he would undoubtedly make connections with other rock stars who would be able to land him some contracts. Not a bad idea, huh? He thought it wasn’t so bad. On the contrary, he found it to be so clever that he stopped the bus and disembarked to start on his new life. Unfortunately, this meant that the rest of us had to get out and walk the rest of the way.”
“Oh, my. Um…why don’t we get started on this interview? As you know, I’m looking for someone to personify one of the characters in my new book. There are a few questions I’d like to ask of you to get a better idea of your personality. Lily, for my first question, would you consider yourself to be an influential person?”
“I could go on and on in answering that. I’m sure you’re a busy woman and don’t have the time to listen to my full explanation. Besides, if I didn’t think I was influential, I wouldn’t be here, would I? Now, why don’t we just move on to the next question?”
“Hmmm…..come to think of it, you’re right. Alright, fine. On to the next one. Are you a religious person?”
“Define ‘religious’. If you mean ‘do you believe in Christianity, Judaism or something along those lines…’, then no, I’m not. But if you consider how some people have a religious experience while eating food, then yes, I am.”
“Right, but….ugh, this could get to be too confusing. I don’t think I want to go there. How about this one? Are you known to be a skilled debater? Wait! Never mind that. Let’s see. Do you ever experience guilt?”
“Gilt what?”
“Lily, what are you doing?”
“What, this? I’m pouring salt into the sugar container. What does it look like I’m doing? *snicker* I know. It’s juvenile of me, but nothing beats the look on their faces when they take a sip of their drinks afterwards….
“Okay! Right, then. I think I have all the information I need here. Thank you, Lily, and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
“Sure thing, sweetie, but I’m a busy person, so don’t sit on it or nothin’, you hear? I can’t stay in one place for too long. I have places to go and people to meet, if you know what I mean.”

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